Press Release: Suicide Bombers Union Negotiations
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be Damned if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow".Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.Spokespersons in Glasgow, Liverpool, Newcastle, Swindon, Nottingham, Jersey, Essex and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway"
On a Very Serious Note:
I have watched the media and the American public, since Obama's state of the union address and I want to say that I'm extremely concerned for our future here in America. I don't actually think there are many Americans that realize Mr. Obama is continuously trying to operate a failed Presidency.
Let's take just a moment to look at the facts present....things which don't change as Mr. Obama's story does. The facts are... He knows nothing about economics, or he would realize that he continues to escalate our overspent budget daily with his failed stimulus package. He should stop that immediately, and return money earmarked for the future proposals to the treasury. He is historically illiterate, when the teleprompter is removed from his sight. He cannot speak eloquently without it and it would be extremely interesting to hear him speak impromptu about his own agenda.
He’s simply not one of us.... His profile is fuzzy and devoid of content, much like that of an image in the fog. He fails to prove his citizenship necessary to hold the office he somehow obtained while being a ghost figure...falling on our constitution to guarantee him the privacy of that information. Well Mister, I want to see those documents...Prove you are an American, for you spit in our face when abroad by bowing to foreign leaders and condemning our actions, belittling the United States of America, while embracing Muslim interest and openly stating you would stand up for them if the going got nasty and prevent stereotyping of them....and you did!
He doesn’t command our respect, in any part of his agenda and is unable to appeal to our own common sense because his notions of right and wrong are revolting, quite simply because things just don’t add up. Things do not exist in his descriptions of the world we live in...They don’t make sense, because they don’t correspond with our experience. In the meantime, while we’ve been struggling to figure out what this man is all about, he continues to piss everybody off around him...be it his political adversaries... or financiers, energy producers, banks, insurance executives, police officers, doctors, nurses, hospital administrators, post office workers, or anyone holding a blue collar job.
I think he has made it clear to Americans in general that the office of President has become far too powerful, with his appointing of special Czars to by-pass Congress carrying out his wishes, showing an abuse of power.
Obama has shown total lack of respect for the constitution, as he embarrassed our country by bowing to foreign leaders, and making that world-wide “Apology Tour” in which he condemmed America while on foreign soil. That is inexcusable and Unforgivable...
especially from the President of this great Nation.
Recently, during his delay in making a decision on sending more troops to Afghanistan, he was directly to blame for the deaths of American servicemen during the months he delayed those reinforcements. Those losses of American lives, may not have occurred, if we had given the proper support and equipment when it was asked for.
As Obama tries to protect Muslim interest world-wide, he has placed America in unbelievable debt as well as danger. America is so deeply in debt, since his one term in office, that it will take future generations many years to pay it off.
Obama has secured a place in the history books as America’s first African-American President and likewise...he will probably hold the distinction of being the worst thing that has ever happened to this country since it's beginning... a destiny which will no doubt be sealed along with his future...after the mid-term elections.
Can or must Mr. Obama absorb all the blame....hell no he shouldn't...Americans followed him like rats behind a Pied Piper...
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